Musings

Becoming

becoming

You will take ages to decide and when you finally do, you will never stop wondering whether you chose well.

You will stall. You will keep everybody waiting. You will get angry because nobody asked them to wait in the first place. They brought themselves here, to your life, with their questions, their curiosity, their desire to know whether you are doing as well or as badly as they had anticipated. You will tell them, in your head, to sod off, because nobody needs the kind of pressure their expectations bring, especially not you. In reality, you will smile a weak smile and attempt to describe the many things you are doing. You will look busy enough for them to give you a pass. At least you are not just lying around because that is one of the biggest problems with your generation per their unasked for opinions–you are lazy and entitled and you wait for things to fall into your lap instead of working for them. Your many things will keep their judgment at bay. You will not tell them that those many things only fill your life with busyness so that you don’t have to face the fact that you are lagging behind.

You will throw yourself into the many things as you search for something that will make you happy. Something that will feel good to do, something that will give you a boost so that you are no longer lagging behind as your friends and former classmates sprint tirelessly ahead of you. You will take on more and more things. You will work for free. You will do everything everyone thinks you should do. You will do your best to please, to gain favour. You will volunteer. You will read articles that explain why you are not where you are supposed to be. You will read more articles that tell you why you are the way you are and outline everything that is wrong with you. You will oscillate between motivated and despairing, sometimes more than once within the same day.You will practice your weak smile in your mirror. You will convince yourself that you are fine, that everything will be fine.

You will give up.

Because some things are really hard on the soul. Some things feed doubt until it is bigger, so much bigger than you. Your courage will hide behind you and you will take a pounding. You will shut yourself away from the world and all its brightness, all its chatter, all its expectations. You will be tired. You will be breathless. You will be wounded. You will coil into yourself and you will wait.

Time will pass. You will take a small step today and a small step tomorrow. Closer and closer to the door and finally, you will step into your life again. Everything will be just as it was. As if you never left. As if your absence was never noticed. But you will be different, by just enough to push you forward. You will try again.

You will talk to those who know you. It will feel good to offload. They will smile and say they are glad you are okay. Some will say it with truth, with hugs, with love coating their words. Some will say it to get it over with. You will nod. People are what they are and they don’t owe you anything–not their sympathy not their help not their smiles. You will let them be what they are.

You will make lists, do tests, ask questions. You will journal. You will wonder what success means, what happiness means. You will think about what matters most to you. You will say out loud the names of the things you love. You will discover places within yourself. You will write it all down.

Then one day.

You will decide. Again. You will be sure that this time you know for real. At first. But then you will realize that you were sure the first time too. You will know that you are an evolving creature, different with every passing day. You will know that you are sure only for now, only for this moment. And you will make peace with that. You will decide who you want to be and you will become.

You will drop the many things that were only there to fill the emptiness, to keep the disappointment at bay. You will pick up the ones that fill you up, make you more of you. You will let go of the dreams and the prayers that were never yours. You will believe in everything that is inside you.

The question will stop being whether or not you chose well. The question will be whether you will be willing to listen to your spirit to know whether you still belong in this person, in this place…or whether it is time to shape-shift once more and move on. You will answer this question everyday. You will no longer have to stall. You will not be bothered when they come into your space to measure you by their standards, to pass judgment, to wonder why you have left their expectations to rust in the corner. You will smile a powerful, peaceful smile and you will let them be what they are.

You will write it all down. You will be happy.

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